This is a transcript of my most recent wedding vows. I’ll put up Aaron’s when I get them written out.
More and more I trust my weight to our shared life. I don’t anymore much spend time planning the shape of my life for once you’ve left me, once I’ve left you, once bitch Fate has taken this too good thing from me in an unanticipated water park accident. Well. It’s anticipated now, so that one’s off the table.
I love you so much. So appallingly much. I’ve gone through periods of not loving you, periods of feeling you as a weight around my neck. In those times, I cried, I boiled inside my body, I consulted oracles over and over and refused to leave no matter if they said yes or no. I crushed myself against my own will and I’m still not sure who won but I am standing here with you now so I think we all did. The shape of my love for you has changed too many times to count. Always it becomes something new and surprising. Sometimes disturbing. Sometimes heavier than I wished or expected. Sometimes as cheerful and delightful as anything born. And now, on this day of our third wedding, I am beginning to benefit from time. I am beginning to see longer patterns emerge and they say, stay. Stay here and find out how this kaleidoscope will change, how this moment of pain will become part of a pattern of beauty.
I have a poor memory and besides it would be tedious to list your virtues. Nothing makes a person despised faster than someone else praising them at length. But I will mention two things. You get my jokes. This continues to surprise me as the most enduring of virtues. And, you are tender. Sometimes your tenderness hurts you but you never let it make you hard and you are bigger and deeper and more alive for it.
So, what do I vow? What can a person vow in a crumbling empire? I cannot vow forever. I’ve been too many people in too short a time to have the arrogance to use that word. I cannot even really vow love, as I’m still confused about what that word means from the inside. It is a paltry word, made poorer in its prostitute career to sell fake happiness, and I dismiss it. I vow clearness. I vow that no matter how ugly or manic or prideful or strong or bitter or glorious I find myself, I will strive to share it with you, to show you plainly the breadth of myself. I vow to strive always to look at you with the same clearness and to allow you that same breadth. This is a hard vow and a heavy one and I do not make it lightly. You have championed every trial, the ones I made on purpose and the ones the world presented us with, and you have won the right to this.
So, it is yours, if you want it, as am I.
If you have the urge to comment, it does help me to keep doing this and not just feel like I’m screaming into the void. Be the void, scream back.